


The Light at the End of the Tunnel

by Triquetra123



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arnold Rimmer as Ace Rimmer, Asexual Character, Depression, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Post-Season/Series 08, Pre-Back to Earth (Red Dwarf), Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triquetra123/pseuds/Triquetra123
Summary: Arnold J Rimmer had been pining for Dave Lister from the moment they met. His depression at an all time low and with no hope of Lister loving him back, he turns to drastic measures to escape the demons of his mind. Will Lister find out and be his salvation or will be too late to save him?
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 12
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure when this will be set, but I'll say its definitely before Season X but after Season VIII, so will contain spoilers for those that haven't seen them. This is my first Red Dwarf fanfic and this has been running through my head for weeks. Everyone excited for the new special? I know I am. Anyway, onto the story.

Arnold Judas Rimmer is lying in his bunk below Lister's, just staring into space. He's thinking about Lister again - though he knows he shouldn't. He sighs, deeply. 3 million years he's been in love with the goit. 3 million years of unrequited pining. It's not good for his - admittedly extremely small - self-esteem. It's no use, anyway. Lister's straight and even if he's not, there is no way on IO, he would go for _Rimmer!_ Though, to be honest, Rimmer didn't think that he would fall for _Lister_ , either. The man is complete mess! He's lazy, a complete slob and has an addiction to vindaloos. He has no ambition, content to be the lowest rank on the ship, unlike Arnold J. Rimmer. Up, up the ziggurat lickity split. Or, at least, he used to. He doesn't really long for that anymore, not really. He just tells the others he does.

When he first met Lister, Rimmer was instantly smitten and his goal to become an officer changed. He still wanted to be one, but it was no longer for the same reasons. He wanted to be an officer, not to impress his parents, but to impress Lister. He got it into his head that if he became an officer, he will be worth something, that Lister would fall for _him_ like he fell for Kochanski. 

But he got it wrong.

Every failed attempt at his exams and his failure to get Lister's attention, made him more bitter and spiteful, which made him lash out at the one person he desperately didn't want to. It resulted in Lister hating him, which was the complete _opposite_ of what he wanted... What he _wants_. By the time he realised, it had been way too late. Lister hated him (just like everyone else on the ship did) and getting nowhere in life, a life he didn't want, not really. 15 years in the Space Corps and it amounted to nothing but his parents disappointment - well, nothing new there.

When he and the rest of the crew were wiped out whilst Lister was in stasis, he wasn't expecting to be brought back as a hologram. He had thought, then, that that was his chance to make everything right between them, that he could start again and properly be his friend and maybe something more...

But, no. That wasn't the reason he was brought back. He was brought back only to keep Lister sane, to challenge him in order to stop him from losing his mind... Not to be his friend. His heart had splintered as he realised what he had had to do and had spent many a night in his bunk trying not to cry himself to sleep. He was getting extremely lonely and desperately needed a friend but, alas, being a friend - let alone anything more - just was not in the cards for him.

When Lister was released from stasis a month later, he thought that maybe he could do both: be a friend and keep Lister sane. It was very quickly proven, however, that Lister didn't want him. Lister kept asking for Kochanski's disk, reminding him that he was neither wanted nor liked. He refused, terrified of being switched off and not trusting Lister to turn him back on again. He still had that vain and rapidly fading hope that Lister would come to see him as a friend, maybe more. He would much rather be around a Lister that hated him, no matter how much it hurt, than not be around at all. His hope was almost destroyed when he tried to dissuade Lister during the chef's exam disguised as Kochanski. The look of complete disgust on Lister's face when he realised it was Rimmer, had almost turned the remaining remnants of his heart into dust. Lister doesn't love him and never will. So, he gave up. Though, in amongst all the darkness, a small beacon of hope lived and pulsed very faintly, but it was rapidly growing dim.

It never got easier, knowing he was pining for someone who would never love him, but they had become closer as the years went by, forming an almost-friendship. It was more than Rimmer had hoped for so he savours every minute. It was slightly easier when he was soft-light because, if something were to happen, it would be impossible because they wouldn't be able to touch. At least, that's what he had been telling himself, refusing to let go of the last bit of hope he has left. 

It was soon squashed and obliterated on the Psi-Moon. 

When they landed on the Psi-Moon and they came to save him, the hope had grown a bit stronger. Back on Starbug, when Lister had told him that he loved him, Rimmer had never been so happy in his entire existence, his hope shining and breaking through the darkness of his mind, thoughts swirling through his his head, ' _he **loves** me, Lister loves **me**!_' For 15 blissful minutes, Rimmer was the happiest he has ever been in his entire life and death, as finally the man he had loved since for what felt like forever, loved him back! 

It wasn't real. None of it was.

The moment Lister and the others uttered the dreaded word ' _no_ ', while _laughing_ no less, his hope had suffocated and died, his heart, which had started to heal, had shrivelled up and turned to dust inside his chest. His self-loathing came back with a vengeance, berating him for being so stupid as to fall for such a cruel prank. He really, really wished he hadn't asked that question, then he could have gone the rest of his death blissfully ignorant. But, no. He did the right thing in asking because if he hadn't, he would have acted like Lister felt the same and exposed his most darkest secret and Lister would have been disgusted. When they got back to the Dwarf, he hid himself in the diesel decks, crying to himself, whilst building up his façade, refusing to let them know how much he was hurting. When he returned the bunk room 3 days later, they acted as if they hadn't realised he wasn't there. Rimmer had become more spiteful and bitter from then on, knowing he wasn't part of the "posse" and never will be. So, he gave up. What's the point in trying if you know you'll never be wanted?

Ever since he got his hard-light drive from Legion, Rimmer has tried his utmost to stay out of Lister's way to avoid touching him, knowing that if he does, Rimmer will blurt out something stupid, like asking Lister to hug him. The amount of times he had had to bite his tongue to hold off on asking that question, had become so painful that he's taken to punching himself to get it out of his system. He had thought about using his old method of coping from when he was alive, but decided that it would be useless as he's nearly indestructible, so resorted to punching instead of cutting. He can still feel pain, after all. Also, he still has the scars which he finds himself staring at, more often than not. He briefly wonders if Lister knows, but quickly dismisses it. Even if he did, it's not like he would care, anyway.

Rimmer had had one moment of weakness when he reached out and touched Lister for the first time, feeling his shoulder underneath his hand, wanting to pull him in for a hug but physically restraining himself, knowing Lister wouldn't that from him. That was the only time Rimmer had allowed himself to touch Lister. 

Spending nearly 600 years alone in that dungeon on Rimmerworld, nearly broke him. The only thing that was getting him through, was the thought of Lister. His dreams were full of Lister - hugging him close and telling him that he'd missed him and loved him. His mind torn between reality and fantasy. It was a long 600 years. When they did eventually come for him, Rimmer had never been so happy to see them, their faces had become blurry after being locked down there for centuries, even to the point of almost forgetting their names. Rimmer had managed to convince himself that Lister cared about him and that Lister loved him. When he laid eyes on Lister for the first time in 600 years, Rimmer had almost hugged him, genuinely believing that his dream was real and not something he had fabricated in mind to cope with his imprisonment. He looked up full of a hope that died as quickly as it came, for when he looked into Lister's eyes, he saw nothing but contempt and anger. He was reminded that Lister doesn't love him, doesn't care about him. It was at that realisation, that Rimmer had almost wished they'd left him down there to rot like he deserved, with nothing but his dreams for company.

When Lister pushed him to become Ace, he put up a little bit of a resistance, but not a lot. Lister didn't want him. He wanted him out of his life forever, that's why he sent him away. So Rimmer left, he had no reason to stay. He wasn't loved, hell, he wasn't even _liked_. He wasn't a part of the team, the "posse" as Lister dubbed it, so what was the point in staying? He returned after nearly century and a half of being Ace to find another version of Kochanski with the crew and a nano version of himself. That threw him for a loop but he had no time to react to that as he had to save the ship from being destroyed by that virus. When he had finished, him and the nano version swapped places, the other him going off to become Ace Rimmer, taking Kochanski with him to her own dimension, whilst he retired. He had tried to convince the others that he had died and Ace had a hard-light drive to give him, even going as far as to download the memories of being in prison with them all to make it sound legit. The others had been convinced, but Lister had seen right through him. That was the very first and last time that Lister hugged him, saying. "I missed you, ya smeghead." Rimmer didn't really believe him but he savoured the hug ever since, knowing he'll never get another one. 

Rimmer sighs again, rolling over on his bunk to face the wall, arms wrapped around his middle. If he closes his eyes, he can almost pretend that Lister's hugging him from behind. Almost. Tears leak down his cheeks onto his pillow. ' _What's the point?_ ' He thinks.

Just then, the bunk room door opens and Rimmer hears Lister amble in. "There you are, you smeghead." Lister calls. "Been looking for you."

 _'As if._ ' The hologram thinks, wiping away holographic tears so Lister doesn't see and mock him for it. "Smeg off, Lister." His voice cracks and Rimmer internally cringes, coughing to cover it up. "Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Nah, not really." Lister shrugs, slurping on a can of lager that smells like its 3 weeks old. Rimmer can feel holo-bile crawling up his throat and wrinkles his nose in disgust. Sometimes Rimmer wonders what he sees in Lister, which is always when he's reminded that Lister has a heart of gold and Rimmer falls in love all over again. It's not fair. "Cat's in the cockpit and Kryten's doing the laundry. They'll notify us if something's up."

"Great. Now, if you could kindly smeg off, I'm trying to sleep." Rimmer snaps, just wanting to be left alone and return to his dream... Rimmer blinks rapidly to get rid of any tears. Lister hasn't noticed them yet and Rimmer wants to keep it that way.

"Rimmer, its three in the afternoon." Lister says, tone exasperated. Rimmer feels his face redden and simulated blood rushes to his cheeks, causing him to blush in embarrassment. He doesn't know what the time is, he's been in bed for the last two days. Looks like they haven't even noticed.

"Ah, yes, so it is..." Rimmer flounders for words to say.

"What are you doing in bed this late anyway? It's not like you." Are Rimmer's ears deceiving him, or does Lister sound _worried_? He mentally shakes his head to dispel such a stupid notion.

"Well, I... As your superior officer, I do not have to answer to the likes of _you,_ _Third_ Technician." He snaps, haughtily. Deflect, deflect, deflect, that's Rimmer's motto. He may not be a good liar, but he can deflect like the best of them. Came in handy back on Io.

"Oh, smeg off, Rimmer." Rimmer can practically see the eye roll, despite facing away from him. "I don't care about that smeg; no one does a part from _you_ , you know."

"Be that as it may, I'm still your superior officer whether you like it or not, miladdo, and I don't have to answer your silly questions." Rimmer wipes the remaining tears off of his cheeks, making sure Lister doesn't see, before sitting up. "Now, you may be content to laze about all day, but I-"

"- You, what?"

" - But _I_ , have some important business to attend to on G deck." With that, Rimmer pushes himself off of his bunk, straightens his uniform and marches out of the bunk room, leaving behind a baffled Lister. When the door closes, Rimmer lets out a a sigh, dropping his façade for a brief second, showing the world how broken Arnold J. Rimmer actually is, before he makes his way to the hologram simulation suite. He's going to do what he should've done centuries ago: hes going to switch himself off.


	2. Chapter 2

Lister stares at the door that Rimmer just went through in confusion. ' _The smeg was that about?'_ He thinks. Rimmer had been acting really strange, lately. He's been quiet, bitter, angry and depressed - well, more than usual. Lister would bet his guitar that he saw Rimmer wipe away tears a few minutes ago. Ever since Rimmer returned as Ace, not that Cat and Kryten knew, he's been... _different_. Rimmer has been distant, like what he had seen and been through as Ace had traumatised him. Not surprising, of course. Rimmer didn't tell Lister what happened, or how long he'd been Ace, but he could tell it's been a long time as Lister could practically see the years weighing in his eyes. Lister wonders, not for the first time, how long he'd been playing the Hero. Neither Cat nor Kryten had been informed that Rimmer was Ace or that Rimmer is even the original. Both of them think that he's the nano version from The Tank. They'd swapped places so Rimmer 2.0 became the new Ace. He tried to trick Lister, but he saw right through the façade.

Lister's brow furrows as he takes a sip of his lager thinking about Rimmer's strange behaviour. He's slouching on the sofa, when the Cat waltzes in the room with a confused look on his face. Lister almost snorts, Cat is always confused. "Hey bud, what's up with Goalpost Head? He looked like someone just put all of his Hammond Organ Music CDs out of the Airlock." The Cat says. "He didn't even insult me, just walked straight on passed me like I wasn't even there! I mean, how can he ignore this hunk of loveliness?" He gestures to himself, Lister rolls his eyes, taking another long sip of his lager. "For a gay man, he really doesn't appreciate a good fashion sense!" Lister immediately spits out his mouthful of lager, nearly spraying lager all over Cat, choking. "My suit! You almost ruined my new suit!"

Once Lister gets back his breath, he wheezes out: " _What_ did you just say?!"

"You almost sprayed lager all over my new suit! Weren't you listening?!"

"Not _that_ , Cat! I couldn't care less about your smegging suit, man! About _Rimmer_! What did you say about _Rimmer_?" Lister demands.

"What about him? That he doesn't appreciate fashion? You would think that he would with him being gay and all, but nope." Cat prattles on, oblivious to Lister's shock. 

"What... but... Rimmer is not _gay_!" Lister splutters. 

"Are you kidding me? That man is about as straight as a bear on a Saturday night in Soho. Wait..." He pauses. "... You mean to tell me you didn't know?"

"How do _you_ know?!"

"I'm a cat: I sense things." Cat explains, in a voice that would indicate that he's talking to a simpleton. Lister takes mild offense to that. "Took me a while to figure out what I was sensing in amongst his neuroses, but I got it figured out when I found one of his magazines in his wardrobe." 

" _Rimmer_? Our Rimmer? The one with a homophobic streak the size of Mars and objectifies women in the most derogatory and disgusting way? _That_ Rimmer?" Lister just can't believe it. No way is Rimmer gay! There's just no way...

"Monkey, have you just lost your remaining brain cells? What other Rimmer is there?" 

"No, there's no way. Not _Rimmer_..." Lister starts to object, but then every incident and every derogatory comment Rimmer had made about women over the years, had been comments that Lister had heard other men make. Maybe, Rimmer only makes them sort of comments because that's what he _thinks_ he should say and think to hide the fact that he's... It all suddenly makes sense. "... _Smeg_!"

"You getting it now, Buddy?" Cat says, a bit patronising. "Man, I can't believe you didn't know! Don't get me started on what he feels for you, because I do _not_ want to think about how pathetic that is." The Cat shudders, like he was dispelling something disgusting, without realising that he renders Lister speechless.

"He... _What_?" Lister whispers, shocked. Everything floods back to Lister in startling clarity. The looks on Rimmer's face when he thinks Lister's not looking that Lister could never decipher, the look of despair that appeared and disappeared just as quickly when he saw that Kochanski was back... Every interaction between them comes back to him and he's now looking at them with open eyes. Surprisingly, it doesn't disgust him that another guy, especially _Rimmer_ , has a crush on him. He's an enlightened 23rd Century guy, afterall. He actually finds it a bit flattering that he can evoke these feelings in Rimmer... That's when Lister remembers the Psi-Moon and Lister had never hated himself more. They'd used Rimmer's feelings against him in order to escape. The look of hope and then complete devastation on his face when he said... Oh Smeg! Rimmer must've thought... And then when... Oh smeg... Smeg, smeg, _smeg!_ Rimmer doesn't just have a crush on him... Rimmer's in love with him! If that's true and he's been in love all this time, then... Smeg.

* * *

Rimmer watches his latest dream on the dream recorder, eyes misty with tears. It's of him and Lister in a lovers embrace, swaying to a slow song.

" _I love you, Rimsy_." Dream-Lister whispers in Dream-Rimmer's ear.

" _I love you, too, Listy. So much_." Dream-Rimmer whispers back, before slotting their lips together, kissing Dream-Lister with a love that Rimmer had never experienced.

The real Rimmer feels the tears give way, falling gently down his cheeks, knowing he'll never hear those words, not to him. Rimmer re-wound the dream, just to hear those words again. Rimmer's simulated heart squeezes painfully in his chest. He closes his eyes as he re-winds the tape again pretending, for a just a moment, that Lister is actually saying those words to him. For one blissful moment he can pretend...

He gives a very small, very sad, broken smile, tears falling silently as Rimmer reaches inside his chest and wraps his hand around his light bee. "I love you, Dave. Always have, always will. And I'm sorry." With those words, Rimmer flips the terminate switch and he knew nothing but darkness, his light bee hitting the floor with a soft metal clang, with a timer appearing on the screen, counting down.

* * *

Lister is in the middle of an existential crisis, his mind a whirl wind of encounters with Rimmer. It definitely explained his hatred of Kochanski, which Lister had always thought was misplaced. Kris told him once that she and Rimmer had a - not a friendship, per say - but a mutual respect towards each other. Kris had said that she felt sorry for Rimmer as he always tried to keep up trying to become an officer, but always suffered extremely severe breakdowns during the exams. She had also, apparently, offered to tutor Rimmer, to help him because he tried so hard and he had accepted her help - somewhat begrudgingly - and Rimmer was finally showing progress, when Rimmer became cold and hostile towards her, refusing her help and turned an almost friendship to animosity and she didn't know why.

Lister knows now.

He realises now, that Rimmer doesn't hate Kochanski... He is _jealous_ of her. _Extremely_ jealous, Lister realises, and he has every right to be. It's not Rimmer's fault he feels this way. God, Lister feels like complete smeghead, now. All his talks about his "plan", threatening to shut him off in order to date Kochanski back in the early days of the crew getting wiped out. Smeg... Lister wonders how long Rimmer has felt that way about him, though he has a funny feeling that he felt that way back when they first met. Lister remembers a conversation they had had when Rimmer got absolutely hammered, before the whole Lise Yates debacle, during his deathday party and confessed that he would trade everything, to have been loved. Lister now realises it was a subtle hint to Rimmer feeling unrequited love towards him. Lister feels a deep sympathy for Rimmer.

The Cat is busy preening himself, oblivious to Lister's inner turmoil. Lister could feel his eyes fill with tears as he ran through everything that Rimmer went through whilst he was going on and on about Kochanski. He feels like a fool. He knows how painful unrequited love is and he hates that Rimmer had to go through it for years, centuries, alone. No wonder Rimmer is always so cold. It's a defence mechanism: if you don't get close to anyone, the less chance you have of being hurt. Its absolute tosh, but Lister can't exactly blame Rimmer for having that mentality with the way he was raised. But it didn't stop Rimmer falling in love.

"Stop moping. I can smell your misery from here. Forget Alphabet Head; he ain't worth it, bud." Cat says, not looking away from the mirror.

"Cat, shut the smeg up for five minutes, will ya?" Lister snaps at the felis sapien. 

The Cat was about to say something scathing, when Kryten enters the room carrying a tray of chicken vindaloo with a beer milkshake. "Your dinner, Mr Lister, Sir." Kryten places the tray on the coffee table in front of him.

"I'm not hungry, Krytes, but thanks." Lister pushed the tray away from him. Kryten looks perplexed.

"Not hungry, Sir? Why? The probability of you not being hungry is about as likely as finding a clean sock in your sock drawer." 

"He's upset about Goalpost Head. Cloister, knows why." Cat interjects. Lister glares at Cat.

"You're upset about Mr Rimmer? Maybe I should take you to Medi-Bay to make sure you're feeling alright." Kryten goes to put his hand on Lister's forehead to check his temperature. Lister bats his hand away with a glare.

"I'm fine, Krytes." Lister says, annoyed.

"But, Sir! Surely, if you're upset about Mr Rimmer of all people, there must be something wrong! And you're not eating! I haven't seen you turn down food since Miss Kochanski..." Kryten immediately shuts his mouth as he realises what he has just said. Lister shoots the mechanoid a dark look, anger in his eyes and burning through his veins.

"Get out, both of ya. I need to be alone." Lister orders, voice carefully controlled.

"Oh, but, Sir-"

"Now, Kryten. And you too, Cat. Out. Now!" Both of his friends leave the room, the door closing behind them. "Lock." Now, no one can burst in. 

Now alone, Lister sighs deeply, rubbing his eyes. Now he knows how Rimmer feels about him, how does he feel about Rimmer? He doesn't know. All he knows is he that he doesn't hate the hologram. But does he love him back? Lister sighs again. He just doesn't know. He's straight, damn it! Well, okay, there was that one time on Titan... And Ganymede... And Mimas... And... Okay, so maybe he's not _completely_ straight.... But he's never been in love, or in a relationship, with another bloke, before. He's only slept with them a few times. He takes a sip of his lager, finishing it off, before opening the fridge by his head and pulling out a six pack. If he's going to be analysing his feelings for Rimmer, Smeghead Extraordinaire, he's going to need it.

*

Hours and a couple dozen cans later, Lister is on the right side of drunk and is no closer to figuring out how he feels about Rimmer. He thinks he feels _something_ for the smeghead, but he doesn't know _what_. With Rimmer still on G Deck, he's alone to think in peace, which he is immensely grateful for.

Until Lister has analysed _exactly_ what he feels, he refuses to give Rimmer any kind of false hope, not again. Especially, as Rimmer is unaware that Lister knows. Tomorrow, Lister will sit Rimmer down and they are going to talk, properly talk, about everything. Rimmer deserves to know that Lister is aware of his feelings.

With that in mind, Lister climbs on his bunk and promptly passes out, unknown that by tomorrow it will be too late, for down in the Hologram Simulation Suite, every trace of Arnold Judas Rimmer, is being deleted off of his hard drive, with only 12 hours left before total termination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it :) let me know if any of the characters seem a bit OOC and I'll try to work on it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry its been a while. I hope everyone had a good Christmas and a good New Year! Here's hoping that this year is better!
> 
> I've also made some annotations for the previous chapters if you would like to check them out.
> 
> Onto the next chapter :)
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Red Dwarf.

Lister wakes up the next day, completely hungover - well, that happens pretty much everyday, so nothing new there - but this is different. There is a heaviness in his head and body that is indescribable. He is no closer to figuring out how he feels about Rimmer. Does he loves Rimmer? Okay, he can admit, he can see that he is quite attractive underneath all of his smegheadedness and neuroses, but attraction is _very_ different to being in love with someone. He sighs as he leaps off of his bunk, stumbling to the tableand throwing himself in his chair, unceremoniously. He notes that Rimmer's bunk is neatly made and unslept in. It doesn't take a genius to work out that Rimmer is avoiding him. Not that Lister can really blame him. He rubs his eyes in attempt to wake himself up and to try to expel the impending stress headache he feels coming on.

Why did he think going on a bender was a good idea again?

The door slides open, admitting Kryten holding a breakfast tray. "Good morning, sir. I have your breakfast for you: corn flakes with curry powder and a beer milkshake, just how you like it." He places them down in front of Lister and starts sweeping the table. 

"Cheers, Krytes." Lister picks up his spoon, mixing the curry power with cornflakes but doesn't eat any of it. His stomach rolls in disgust just thinking about it. His mind is so full of turmoil, that he doesn't immediately notice the envelope on the tray until he accidentally knocks it off, it landing on the floor with a soft thump. "Wha's this?" Lister bends over, picking it up. He sees his name scrawled in familiar copperplate handwriting: Rimmer's handwriting... Why would Rimmer write him a letter?

"I'm not entirely sure, sir. I found it in the kitchen addressed to you. It appears to be from Mr Rimmer, sir." Kryten answers, his Canadian lilt voice showing his curiosity. Lister inspects the envelope for a moment, before slowing opening it and pulls out a single sheet of paper littered with Rimmer's neat scrawl. After a minute, Lister begins to read:

_Dear Dave,_

_If you're reading this, then I've finally done something right. I left Kryten instructions to give this to you when you wake up, so by then I will be long gone. I'm sorry, Listy. For, well, everything. I tried to be your friend at the beginning, I really did... But I got it wrong, as always. It became startlingly clear that you didn't want me. I should have given you Kochanski's disk when I had the chance, it would have saved you a lot of pain. I'm sorry for being a selfish, cowardly gimboid. No one likes me, not even you. That should have been my first clue, a big red flag, but I ignored it because I wanted to believe differently... how stupid of me. You don't need me, I don't think you ever did. I was only brought back because I am diametrically opposite to you, because Holly thought that I was the best person to keep you sane, to challenge you, to stop you from going Space Crazy... But I clearly failed, just like everything else. Holly was obviously off his rocker, because who would have thought in three million years, that I was the best person to bring back? If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be in this mess, three million years away from everyone you care for, three million years away from Earth, your home._

_I love you, Listy, I always have and probably always will. But you don't love me, I know that... and its okay, because you love Kochanski. It's because of this, that I have decided to switch myself off, for good. I am erasing everything off of my hard drive so I will truly be gone. You can use the Hardlight Drive to resurrect Kochanski and you can be truly happy with one that you love, even knowing that I will never get the chance. I've finally done something I should have done a long time ago and setting you free of me... n_ _o longer will you be plagued by the vermin that is Arnold Judas Rimmer. You're the only one that I've ever loved, Listy, and even though I will never be that person for you, I want you to be happy, because that's what you do for you do for those you love, isn't it? Set them free or some smeg? After nearly 800 years, I've finally learned. I'm doing this in a letter because I couldn't bare to do it face to face. Suppose, that's why I'm writing it so I don't have to face the consequences. I really am a big coward. I don't deserve you, never have and never will, so I want you to be with someone who does deserve you and if that's Kristine Kochanski, then so be it. Be happy with her, Dave. You deserve it._

_I'm sorry I didn't do this sooner._

_I love you._

_Goodbye my friend,_

_Arnold J. Rimmer_

Lister stares at the letter, his brain not cooperating. Its packed its bags and went on holiday to Mimas because he is not understanding a word. What does this mean? Rimmer... He... What? Lister re-reads the letter... Then reads it again... And then he reads it again... On the fifth read through, Lister's brain finally kicks back into gear and comprehension dawns on him; Rimmer did WHAT?! Lister's eyes begin to water as the implications finally sink in.

"Oh, sir! Whatever is the matter? What did Mr Rimmer do now?" Kryten asks, seeing Mr Lister staring unblinkingly at the letter, eyes suspiciously wet. Lister looks at Kryten, face pained.

"Rimmer... He's switched himself off..." Lister's voice is quiet and disbelieving.

"Goalpost Head has switched himself off? That's great, Bud!" The Cat says, a massive shit-eating grin on his face as he waltzes into the bunkroom, purple suit glistening in the dull ship lighting. "Hey Buds, like my new suit?" The Felis Sapien gave a graceful twirl with his signature _"YOW!"_

Lister ignores the vain moggy, in favour of cradling the letter like its something fragile and precious... Maybe it is. "Krytes, what does he mean by 'erasing everything off of his hard drive'?"

"Oh dear..." Kryten stops dusting, his face twisting in a way that Lister recognises as his guilt chip going haywire.

"Krytes? What is it?" Lister asks, gazing at the mechanoid.

"Mr Rimmer installed a self destruct sequence in his lightbee a few years ago." Kryten admits. "If activated, all of Mr Rimmer's files will be deleted off of the system and he will be, for all intents and purposes, virtually dead. For good."

"He'll be... Oh, smegging hell!" Lister shoots out of his chair and rushes out of the door; the letter flutters to the floor.

"What's up with him? You'd think he would be happy that Alphabet Head is gone." Cat says with an eye roll. Kryten nods in agreement as they both leave the bunkroom.

* * *

Lister races down the corridors to the Hologram Simulation Suite. This is the most exercise he's had since... Ever... but this is an emergency. There is no way Rimmer would pull something like this! _'I mean its Rimmer! Self preservation is his middle name, along with coward and Smeghead. There's no way he would... There's no way...'_ Lister can't finish the thought as he races down the corridor, his breath coming in pants but he doesn't stop. Lister reaches the Hologram Simulation Suite in record time with The Cat and Kryten not far behind. The first thing that Lister sees upon entering is a countdown on the screen and a code underneath to be entered. The override code. Lister's eyes latch onto the countdown and he breaths a sigh of relief as he sees that there is just under 15 minutes left until complete deletion. Right, so he has fifteen minutes to find out the code and then Rimmer will be saved. Right. Easy. Lister sees Rimmer's Lightbee sitting on the counter, blinking faintly. He stops himself from picking it up. ' _12 letters, here we go'_ he thinks. Lister goes to the keyboard and types in the first thing he can think of: 

' _Gazpacho Soup_.'

_INCORRECT CODE!_

"Eh? I thought... That _has_ to be the code!" Lister says, aloud, voice desperate in his confusion. He retypes it, thinking maybe he misspelled it, but even that comes up with 'incorrect code' flashing in bright red letters. "What?" Lister almost growls in frustration, the timer still counting down. He types in several other codes that he knows Rimmer has used in the past but they all fail. Lister becomes desperate while the timer goes down to seven minutes.

"Why are you even trying, Bud?" The Cat asks, examining his nails. "We're free of him now. Why do you gotta ruin a good thing?"

"Because we're the posse, _The Boys From The Dwarf_... The Four Musketeers, Porthos, Athos, D'Artagnan and... The Other One... Rimmer's the Other One... Without Rimmer, we're incomplete." Lister says, absently thinking that Rimmer wouldn't like being dubbed as 'The Other One' but he's sure he can be forgiven considering he has other things on his mind, like trying to save said Smeghead after doing something completely _stupid!_

"We did better when Officer Bud-Babe was here. We worked better, too. We don't need him. Metal Head agrees." Cat says.

"Cat, man, smeg off." Lister snaps, the countdown causing him to panic and his heart rate to skyrocket with every failed attempt. He can practically feel his heart splintering in his chest and absently wonders if this is how Rimmer feels but dismisses it, not wanting to open that can of worms right now. Not now when he has a deadline. "Do either of you have any idea what the code is?"

"It's obvious, Hamster Cheeks." Cat says. Lister and Kryten both stare at him expectantly, the countdown now at two minutes. When no answer is forthcoming, Lister slams his hand onto the counter which makes both Kryten and Cat, jump. "Oh, you want me to tell you?"

"Cat, tell me the smegging code!" Lister hisses, patience wearing thin. There's only a minute and a half left.

"Dormouse Cheeks, _you're_ the code!" The Cat rolls his eyes, like the answer is obvious.

"You're off your head, guy. There's no way _I'm_ the code." Lister scoffs, though the thought has now been planted in his mind, What if...?

"I'm outta here. I told you the code and you're the only one who wants to save him. It's you Alphabet Head loves, not us." With that, The Cat leaves the room.

_30 seconds left!_

"Sir, why have you got to save him? He's not good enough for you." Kryten speaks up for the first time.

"I have to, Krytes." Lister says, staring at the countdown. 10 seconds left. This better work or Rimmer's gone for good. He has one last chance.

_'David Lister'_

... _5_...

Lister types his name...

... _4_...

He holds his breath...

... _3_...

He presses 'enter'...

... _2_...

That's it, he's failed...

... _1_...

' _CODE CORRECT! OVERRIDING SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE!'_

With one second to spare, the self-destruct sequence is overridden and every file on Arnold Judas Rimmer is restored. Lister releases his breath in a sigh of relief, his heart working over time. He was so close... So close to... Without ever telling him... What?

Lister has no idea.

He picks up Rimmer's lightbee, now flashing merrily as everything restores itself, He cradles the lightbee in his hand, gently stoking the small piece of technology that is Rimmer's essence. With a heavy sigh, Lister leaves the room with Kryten following behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter :) 
> 
> Yes, I used some dialogue from TPL. No, I am not sorry :) I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Happy New Year, Everyone!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked the first chapter :)


End file.
